I feel like I'm in dance class right now
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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