Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
