your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
