you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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