And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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