she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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