I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
