a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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