yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
