anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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