you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
