You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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