I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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