she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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