In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
