Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
my poor anus
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
