Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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