Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
