I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
