sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
