We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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