The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
