we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
