sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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