did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
