Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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