this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
