got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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