Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Shame - the story of my life.
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