So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's blow job season.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
