Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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