i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
