I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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