You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's always time for handjobs
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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