u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
