bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
