My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
