Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
