Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
