It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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