You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
