I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Shame is for Republicans.
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