ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
