This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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