nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
