I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
