Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
as a side note pls kill me
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
