I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just pee around me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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