no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
