I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
