I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she smelled like a LAN party
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
