I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
