It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
