I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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