dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
