he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
